your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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