I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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