best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
