youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
