I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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