the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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