I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
