There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
