so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
