i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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