turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
