great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
