Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You need Xanax blowdarts
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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