Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
