I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
