When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
