that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
