and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
