I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
