I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
