Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
