I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
