I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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