Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i think my cat just said my name.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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