I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
