walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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