summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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