they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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