I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
