dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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