Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
