All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
