that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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