just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
being pregnant is like rehab
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
