Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
