i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
