last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
