Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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