So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
