Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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