you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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