does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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