She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
