actually, I'm a sock model
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
