I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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