Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
