listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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