You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
