you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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