I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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